Why do misunderstandings happen in relationships?

We respond to meanings as well as words

A delayed reply may be experienced as indifference. A request for space may feel like rejection. A question may sound like criticism, even when it was intended as concern. These interpretations are shaped by the immediate context as well as by our expectations and previous experiences.

The same interaction can therefore mean different things to different people. Neither person necessarily has the complete picture. At the same time, what someone intended does not erase the impact their words or actions had.

How misunderstandings become cycles

When we feel hurt or threatened, we may protect ourselves by becoming defensive, going quiet, explaining at length or withdrawing. The other person may then react to our response rather than to the original issue. Each person can end up feeling increasingly unseen or misunderstood.

For example, one person’s withdrawal may increase the other’s anxiety; the anxious response may then make further withdrawal more likely. This is one possible cycle, not a formula that explains every disagreement. Sometimes the difficulty lies less in misunderstanding than in a genuine difference of needs, values or expectations.

Mentalising: curiosity about minds

Mentalising involves making sense of behaviour in relation to mental states such as feelings, thoughts, wishes, beliefs and intentions. It includes curiosity about our own mind and the mind of another person, while recognising that we cannot know another person’s experience completely.

When emotions are strong, this capacity can become harder to access. Slowing down, separating what was observed from what was assumed, and checking an interpretation may help. Curiosity does not mean doubting ourselves automatically or treating every explanation as equally likely.

Curiosity without abandoning boundaries

Understanding another perspective can be useful, but it should not mean ignoring impact, excusing harmful behaviour or assuming equal responsibility. If a relationship involves intimidation, coercion or repeated harm, safety and boundaries may matter more than trying to understand the other person’s perspective.

It is possible to remain open to clarification while being clear about what is unacceptable. The aim is not to achieve agreement at any cost, but to understand what has happened and decide what response is appropriate.

What repair can involve

Repair may begin with describing the impact of an interaction, checking what was meant, listening to the other account and acknowledging what each person can take responsibility for. Sometimes an apology or a change in behaviour is needed; sometimes the difference cannot be resolved.

Speaking from personal experience—“When that happened, I felt…”—may create more room for conversation than presenting an assumption as established fact. No particular wording guarantees a good response, and repair requires willingness and responsibility from those involved.

Learning from repeated misunderstandings

In therapy, recurring misunderstandings may offer an opportunity to explore expectations and emotional responses. The aim is not to assign blame, but to understand what happens between people and what might make communication safer and clearer.

A question that can open space is: what did I observe, what meaning did I give it, and have I checked whether that meaning fits?